


Not in Love

by tabulaxrasa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cas's deal with the empty, I'm Sorry, Jack Kline (mentioned) - Freeform, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Sam Winchester (mentioned) - Freeform, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, but not a hopeless one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 13:39:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabulaxrasa/pseuds/tabulaxrasa
Summary: It occurs to Dean that this is the happiest he’s ever been, and there is only one more thing he needs-- and that there’s not actually anything stopping him from that one last good thing.





	Not in Love

He’s not in love, Dean tells himself, over and over, in between the endless swigs of whiskey. He’s loyal, that’s all, and demands equal loyalty. That’s why Cas’s betrayal hurts so much. Humans make mistakes; angels aren’t supposed to. Cas was his rock, his hero, his family, but not his lover. This is what it feels like to lose your best friend, he tells himself, and he doesn’t really know different anyway. It might be love, but he’s not in love.

The lurch in his chest every time he sees the trench coat folded in the back of the car says different.

***

There’s a point, between looking into Emmanuel’s eyes and Cas showing up naked and covered in bees, when he starts to admit, without using the words to himself, that it might be love. Cas says random shit and Dean tries to act done with it but he’s charmed; every sight of Cas’s face makes his heart leap like a fucking romance novel and there’s no way around it.

By the time he slices his way through Purgatory, he knows deep inside he’s in love with Cas, and it’s not a flash-in-the-pan, it’s not one-perfect-weekend, it’s a core pillar of who he is. He’s Dean Winchester, and he’s in love with Castiel.

He’s not sure if that makes it better or worse when Cas slips out of his hand and Dean’s on earth without him.

***

Cas leaves, he always leaves, and Dean goes from hoping to praying to begging for him to come back. He’s in love, and it’s awful, and it’s always going to be like this.

Some times are worse than others. Sometimes, Dean hates himself. Sometimes, he hates Cas. Mostly, he hates their lives, the uncertainty, and the certainty that he’s not meant to have this.

One night of frustration, or desperation, Dean looked up body language. “Signs they like you back”, “Signs he’s flirting”, or some equally horrific _Cosmo_ article. He’s been watching for those signs ever since, trying to spot the signs in Cas’s body language, not convinced that those tells would even apply to someone not human. “Invades body space” was on there all the time, for fuck’s sake. A smile in his eyes, a prolonged gaze, uses your name a lot… most of it was just _Cas_ , wasn’t it?

But Cas’s pupils do dilate when he looks at Dean, and his gaze does follow him around the room, and eventually it was not that Dean thought Cas didn’t love him (how could "pointing at you with his toe" compare to "giving up all the armies of Heaven"?), it was more a question of _how could they ever stay alive long enough to try?_

***

Things…don’t suck. Cas lives with him, and doesn’t want to leave, and they have a _son_ , and no one they like is in danger, or hurting, or missing, or lost. Lucifer and Michael are dead, and no one is gunning for them. Cas has coffee ready for him in the morning when he gets up, and Dean gets to sit next to Jack while he drinks his first cup before making breakfast for everyone (well, Jack and Sam), and teases Sam about going jogging like a monster.

When Sam leaves to run for no reason, he and Jack eat cereal that’s bad for you and Dean cooks a mess of bacon. Cas smiles at them, sipping at a cup of coffee he doesn’t need, and Dean is the happiest he’s ever been.

And it occurs to him that _this is the happiest he’s ever been_ , and there is only one more thing he needs-- and that there’s not actually anything stopping him from that one last good thing.

***

He finds Cas in the library after Sam and Jack are in bed, and stops for a moment in the doorway to watch the angel in the yellow light. “Hey Cas,” he says softly, and it occurs to him that this is _it_ , this is their chance, and his heart starts beating triple time.

Cas looks up at Dean, and Dean thinks he looks tired and older than he should and so beautiful his heart hurts. “Hello, Dean,” Cas smiles— his new smile, his smile that actually looks like a smile, and Dean thinks: _now_.

“Whatcha working on?” Dean comes in and leans on the table next to him, his whole body attuned to Cas.

“Just some Enochian translations for Sam. Nothing that can’t wait.” Cas’s face looks soft and open, and it’s almost impossible to believe he’s the same force of nature that stormed into a barn a decade ago, but at the same time not impossible at all. Dean feels caught in a hurricane of his own nerves, but it’s almost a good energy, a good excitement, and Dean’s so unused to it he can barely identify it. His pupils dilate when he looks up at Dean.

Dean pulls out a chair and sits down so they’re on the same level. They are turned towards each other, and their knees knock together, legs too long for the space. Dean has no idea what to say, but he’s never let that stop him before.

“Is something wrong?” Cas asks, and Dean smiles.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he says. “And…that’s kind of the point.”

Cas raises an eyebrow, and Dean’s stomach flips.

“You’re upset because things are too quiet?”

“No,” Dean smiles, and he can see he’s thrown Cas. “Honestly, I’m…really happy.”

Cas’s expression softens. “I’ve noticed.”

“Everything’s quiet. We don’t have any loose ends hanging over us.” Dean’s caught up in his words, and misses any micro-expression that crosses Cas’s face. “And I just thought, well…maybe it’s time.”

He does notice Cas look wary now, but it just makes him happier. It’s going to be a good surprise.

“Time for what?” Cas asks, frowning slightly. It’s adorable, and Dean is done with words.

He leans in, and in, slowly but so close there comes a point that his intentions must be clear. He keeps his eyes open, watches Cas’s eyes grow even darker, his mouth part slightly, and can feel his breath catch. Dean closes his eyes, and goes in for it, at last at last at last…

Cas puts a finger on Dean’s mouth. “Don’t,” he says, and his voice— ragged and broken and hushed— sounds like a world collapsing.

“Don’t,” Cas whispers. “You can’t,” and Dean freezes, and his heart plunges way past his feet, down somewhere dark and frozen.

He’s made a mistake. He’s made such a bad mistake.

He pulls back, and doesn’t even look in Cas’s direction. “Sorry,” he forces out, his chair scraping loudly as he pushes it back. He has to get out. “I—” He’s on his feet, but he’s trapped, and oh god he has to get away right now—

“I made a deal,” Cas says, blurts out, like soda that’s been shaken up.

It’s the last thing Dean expected him to say, and it throws him for a long moment. “What,” he says, when he has time to process Cas’s words. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Now he looks at Cas, who is staring at the table and refusing to look at Dean.

“Cas.”

“For Jack.”

_“What deal?”_ he didn’t mean to raise his voice but he doesn’t have a lot of control right now. Nothing feels in control. All he knows is that everything was going to be perfect and now it’s not.

Cas looks up at him now, stubborn and fierce and almost like grace is blazing in his eyes. “You would have made the same deal.”

“Cas, WHAT DEAL—”

“With the Empty,” Cas’s voice has lost its fiery certainty, sliding back down to broken the longer he speaks. “With the— the entity from the Empty. To get Jack back. In order to— to bring Jack back, I offered my life for his.”

“Cas!”

_“You would have done the same thing,”_ Cas growls, and Dean shuts up because he can’t deny that. “I’m his parent, I had to. But,” he pauses, swallows, “but it wouldn’t take me then. It said—” Cas lowers his eyes, but doesn’t turn away from Dean. “It said it didn’t want me then. It would leave me alone until…” Cas lowers his head, sighs. Dean wants to reach for him, starts to, before he remembers and snatches his hand back.

“It said it would only take me when I ‘allowed myself to be happy.’ So you see…you can’t…we can’t.”

Dean drops back down in his chair because he can’t hold himself up anymore. “What the hell kind of deal is that?” he asks, his voice wavering, hoarse.

“I didn’t think it would come up,” Cas mutters, and Dean’s heart breaks all over again. Cas really never thought… he’d thought this was impossible, them being together.

_Well,_ says the nasty voice in his head, _he was right, wasn’t he?_

“If I kiss you, you’ll die?”

“I’d be happy. With you. Like that. So…yes.”

Dean rubs his hand over his eyes where a headache has sprung up, then his face, to give himself a moment. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispers, and he really does sound wretchedly sorry.

“Don’t… don’t apologize,” Dean finally gets out, because he doesn’t want Cas to sound like that, doesn’t want him to be sorry, because after all Cas is right and Dean would have done the same thing without thinking twice. For Jack? Of course.

“I am sorry, though,” Cas says, and this time he tries to smile. It doesn’t really take, but Dean loves him fiercely for it. “Thank you,” Cas says, and Dean stares at him blankly. “For wanting to…”

“Cas, I…” Dean does let himself reach out for Cas’s shoulder, and ignores the slight flinch. He squeezes. This is safe. This is the same thing they’ve always done. “Of course,” he says. Those are Cas’s words, but it’s time for Dean to use them. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

Cas shrugs, a little helpless. His expression says he’s aware of the irony when he says “You were so happy. And… I didn’t think it would matter. I never thought… I didn’t think it would come up,” he repeats, voice trailing off.

Dean wants to pound his head against the wall but instead he says, “We’ll figure out a way out of this deal.”

Cas does not look like he believes him. He looks like it’s already too late. He shakes his head. “Dean… if it means more deals, more… calling down more trouble, or ‘cosmic consequences’ upon us all, then—”

“Cas,” Dean says, firmly. “You deserve to be happy.”

Cas looks a little shocked, and Dean wants to murder everyone who’s ever made Cas feel like he doesn’t deserve that, but he knows he’s number one on that list.

Dean has to stand up, in frustration at himself, but still hovers over Cas. “Buddy, if I deserve to be saved, you deserve to be happy. _Whatever_ form that takes, okay?”

Cas stares up him with big wet eyes. His pupils are huge, and Dean supposes his must be the same. Dean _yearns_ for him so strongly he catches himself leaning forward. It’s not fair, but nothing ever is for them.

Dean, always ready for risky behavior, touches Cas’s cheek, just the barest brush of skin to skin. He hears Cas inhale sharply all the same.

“I better go to bed,” Dean says, more because he needs to be alone to get his head around this than because he’s sleepy. And also, maybe, to avoid temptation. Fucking hell, it’s always something.

Cas nods. “Have a good night.”

“You too.” Their expressions say they know exactly what kind of night they’ll be having, and it won’t be a good one.

Is this hope? Or the loss of hope? Dean can’t even tell what he’s feeling yet.

_You’re the love of my fucking life,_ he thinks, and for once he hopes it’s loud enough for Cas to hear.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted in so long I've almost forgotten how, and of course instead of spending all hiatus working on a real midseason finale thing I whip this out the weekend before the show comes back. 
> 
> Title from the 10cc song.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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